Who’s In First?

Posted June 6th, 2007 by Joe Kaiser

Who gets the money? Every dollar of it!

Dear Rob,

A recent conversation with a seller went a little something like this (with apologies to Abbot and Costello) . . .

Seller: Well, Mr. Kaiser, I’m certainly interested in selling my house to you. What do you need to know to get this started?

Joe: Look, Mr. Seller, if you’re the owner, you must know about all the loans on your home and who your lenders are.

Seller: I certainly do.

Joe: Well you know I’ve never seen title or talked to your lenders. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who to contact.

Seller: Well, let’s see, we have on the house, Who’s in first, What’s in second, I Don’t Know is in third…

Joe: That’s what I want to find out.

Seller: I say Who’s in first, What’s in second, I Don’t Know’s in third.

Joe: Are you the owner?

Seller: Yes.

Joe: And you don’t know the lenders’ names?

Seller: Well I should.

Joe: Well then who’s in first?

Seller: Yes.

Joe: I mean the lender’s name.

Seller: Who.

Joe: The guy in first.

Seller: Who.

Joe: The first mortgage holder.

Seller: Who.

Joe: The lender in…

Seller: Who is in first!

Joe: I’m asking you who’s in first.

Seller: That’s the Lender’s name.

Joe: That’s Who’s name?

Seller: Yes.

Joe: Well go ahead and tell me.

Seller: That’s it.

Joe: That’s who?

Seller: Yes. PAUSE

Joe: Look, you gotta first mortgage holder?

Seller: Certainly.

Joe: Who’s in first?

Seller: That’s right.

Joe: When you pay the first mortgage holder every month, who gets the money?

Seller: Every dollar of it.

Joe: All I’m trying to find out is the lender’s name in first position.

Seller: Who.

Joe: The lender that gets…

Seller: That’s it.

Joe: Who gets the money…

Seller: They do, every dollar of it. Sometimes their branch manager comes down and collects it.

Joe: Who’s branch manager?

Seller: Yes. PAUSE

Seller: What’s wrong with that?

Joe: All I wanna know is when you pay the first mortgage holder, how do they stamp the back of your check?

Seller: Who.

Joe: The lender in first.

Seller: Who.

Joe: How do they stamp…

Seller: That’s how they stamp it.

Joe: Who?

Seller: Yes. PAUSE

Joe: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the lender’s name in first position.

Seller: No. What is in second position.

Joe: I’m not asking you who’s in second.

Seller: Who’s in first.

Joe: One loan at a time!

Seller: Well, don’t change the loans around.

Joe: I’m not changing nothing around!

Seller: Take it easy, buddy.

Joe: I’m only asking you, who’s the lender in first position?

Seller: That’s right.

Joe: OK.

Seller: Alright. PAUSE

Joe: What’s the lender’s name in first position?

Seller: No. What is in second position.

Joe: I’m not asking you who’s in second.

Seller: Who’s in first.

Joe: I don’t know.

Seller: He’s in third, we’re not talking about him.

Joe: Now how did I get in third position?

Seller: Why you mentioned their name.

Joe: If I mentioned the third mortgage holder’s name, who did I say is in third?

Seller: No. Who’s in first.

Joe: What’s in first?

Seller: What’s in second.

Joe: I don’t know.

Seller: They’re in third.

Joe: There I go, back in third again! PAUSE

Joe: Would you just stay on the lender in third position and don’t go off it.

Seller: Alright, what do you want to know?

Joe: Now who’s in third position?

Seller: Why do you insist on putting Who in third?

Joe: What am I putting in third?

Seller: No. What is in second.

Joe: You don’t want who in second?

Seller: Who is in first.

Joe: I don’t know. Together: Third position! PAUSE

Joe: Look, you got any judgment liens?

Seller: Sure.

Joe: The judgment creditor’s name?

Seller: Why.

Joe: I just thought I’d ask you.

Seller: Well, I just thought I’d tell ya.

Joe: Then tell me who’s the judgment creditor.

Seller: Who’s in first.

Joe: I’m not…stay off of the lenders. I want to know what’s the guy’s name holding the judgment?

Seller: No, What is in second.

Joe: I’m not asking you who’s in second.

Seller: Who’s in first!

Joe: I don’t know. Together: Third position! PAUSE

Joe: The judgment creditor’s name?

Seller: Why.

Joe: Because!

Seller: Oh, the other lien holder. PAUSE

Joe: Look, You got an attorney in this deal?

Seller: Sure.

Joe: The attorney’s name?

Seller: Tomorrow.

Joe: You don’t want to tell me today?

Seller: I’m telling you now.

Joe: Then go ahead.

Seller: Tomorrow!

Joe: What time?

Seller: What time what?

Joe: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who’s your attorney?

Seller: Now listen. Who is not my attorney.

Joe: I’ll break you’re arm if you say who’s in first!!! I want to know what’s your attorney’s name?

Seller: What’s in second.

Joe: I don’t know. Together: Third position! PAUSE

Joe: Got a partner?

Seller: Certainly.

Joe: The partner’s name?

Seller: Today.

Joe: Today, and tomorrow’s your attorney.

Seller: Now you’ve got it.

Joe: All we got is a couple of days. PAUSE

Joe: You know I’m an investor, too.

Seller: So they tell me.

Joe: I get involved here to do some fancy deal making, Tomorrow’s working with me and the first mortgage holder is getting nasty. Now he hasn’t been paid and threatens to sue. When he files the complaint, me, being a good investor, I’m gonna get the money to that lender in first. So I pick up the phone, call my bank and wire the funds to who?

Seller: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.

Joe: I don’t even know what I’m talking about! PAUSE

Seller: That’s all you have to do.

Joe: Is to wire the funds to the first mortgage holder.

Seller: Yes!

Joe: Now who’s got it?

Seller: Naturally. PAUSE

Joe: Look, if I wire the funds to the lender in first, somebody’s gotta get it. Now who has it?

Seller: Naturally.

Joe: Who?

Seller: Naturally.

Joe: Naturally?

Seller: Naturally.

Joe: So I wire the funds to Naturally.

Seller: No you don’t you wire the funds to Who.

Joe: Naturally.

Seller: That’s different.

Joe: That’s what I said.

Seller: You’re not saying it…

Joe: I wire the funds to Naturally.

Seller: You wire it to Who.

Joe: Naturally.

Seller: That’s it.

Joe: That’s what I said!

Seller: You ask me.

Joe: I wire the funds to who?

Seller: Naturally.

Joe: Now you ask me.

Seller: You wire the funds to Who?

Joe: Naturally.

Seller: That’s it.

Joe: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I wire the funds to who. Whoever it is stops the foreclosure but now the second moves to foreclose. Who picks up the phone and calls What. What calls I Don’t Know. I Don’t Know gets in touch with Tomorrow, bankruptcy! Another creditor steps in and files a big lawsuit with Because. Why? I don’t know! He’s in third and I don’t give a darn!

Seller: What?

Joe: I said I don’t give a darn!

Seller: Oh, he’s our real estate agent.

Joe: (makes screaming sound)


3 Responses to: “Who’s In First?”

  1. Davido responds:
    Posted: June 7th, 2007 at 8:53 pm

    Joe, this post had me rolling with laughter. Read it in bed, tried to stifle the chuckles. Still, laughed so hard – my sweetheart thought I was crying. Nicely done. Thanks.

  2. Warner Walker responds:
    Posted: June 9th, 2007 at 6:23 am

    Joe, that’s really good and funny. You should publish this…

  3. Redline responds:
    Posted: June 10th, 2007 at 9:03 pm

    Joe – you realize the WA AG’s office is going to be contacting who, what, where why and how to see if you scammed THEM now, too!

    LOL …


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