I recently had a conversation with a buddy of mine about this case and what I imagine has percipitated it, my dealings with Pierce County Deputy Prosecutor Robert “Bob” Dick.
As you know, I believe your office’s investigation resulted from contacts with Bob after we’d done what he considered to be one overage play too many in his arena, Pierce County.
And though I tried to convey my thoughts about Bob to this fellow, it wasn’t easy. The conversation went like this . . .
He: This Bob guy from Pierce County sounds like a real dick.
Me: I never actually said he’s a dick.
He: Yes you did. You came right out and said, “he’s a dick.”
Me: No, I said nothing of the kind. I said, “he’s a Dick.”
He: That’s what I said.
Me: No, you said he’s a dick. I’m saying he’s a Dick.
He: He’s a what?
Me: A Dick.
He: That’s what I said!
Me: No, no, no, that’s not what you said. You said . . .
He: Wait a minute. Is he a dick or isn’t he?
Me: Yes, he’s a Dick. Everybody in town knows he’s a Dick. I’m sure he’s proud to be a Dick.
He: So, like I said, he’s a dick.
Me: Well, if you mean he’s a Dick, then yes, he’s a Dick.
He: I think I get it now.
Me: I don’t think you have a clue.
He: No really, I think I know exactly what you’re saying.
Me: Well then go ahead and tell me.
He: Okay, you’re saying this guy Bob is a dick and proud of it.
Me: As far as I know he’s proud of it. I imagine he comes from a proud Dick heritage.
He: Seriously? You really think everyone in his family is a dick?
Me: I’m not sure they’re all Dicks. I seem to recall his wife had a hyphen in there somewhere.
Me: Let’s leave the family out of it, okay? Just focus on Bob. We know for sure he’s a Dick.
He: How do you know that for sure?
Me: Know what?
He: How do you know he’s a dick?
Me: Oh, he’s a Dick. He’s even got it on his business card.
He: Whoa! He puts “dick” on his business card? That takes balls.
Me: Why would you say a thing like that?
He: Just seems a little over-the-top to me.
Me: Over-the-top because he puts his name on his business card?
Me: His name. He puts his name on his business card. His name is Dick.
He: His name is Dick?
Me: Yes, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! His name is Dick.
He: What about Bob?
Me: That’s his name!
He: I thought you just said his name is Dick?
Me: His name is Robert Dick, but they call him Bob, probably because it’s shorter.
He: What’s shorter?
Me: Bob is shorter.
He: Bob is shorter?
Me: Much shorter.
He: How would you know that?!? That’s a little creepy, don’t you think?
Me: What are you talking about?
He: You said he’s shorter.
Me: No! I said “Bob” is short for “Robert,” and that’s why they call him Bob Dick.
He: Ohhhhh, now I get it.
Me: You get what?
He: “Bob” and “Dick” are his first and last names, right? I thought you were saying he’s some kind of a dick, and not a very big one at that.
Me: Finally, you got it right.
He: I got what right? The first part or the second?
Me: No comment.
He: Joe . . .
He: You can be such a dick.
Me: Actually, I come from a very long line of dicks myself.
In the arena,