I recently had a conversation with a buddy of mine about this case and what I imagine has percipitated it, my dealings with Pierce County Deputy Prosecutor Robert “Bob” Dick.

As you know, I believe your office’s investigation resulted from contacts with Bob after we’d done what he considered to be one overage play too many in his arena, Pierce County.

And though I tried to convey my thoughts about Bob to this fellow, it wasn’t easy. The conversation went like this . . .

He: This Bob guy from Pierce County sounds like a real dick.

Me: I never actually said he’s a dick.

He: Yes you did. You came right out and said, “he’s a dick.”

Me: No, I said nothing of the kind. I said, “he’s a Dick.”

He: That’s what I said.

Me: No, you said he’s a dick. I’m saying he’s a Dick.

He: He’s a what?

Me: A Dick.

He: That’s what I said!

Me: No, no, no, that’s not what you said. You said . . .

He: Wait a minute. Is he a dick or isn’t he?

Me: Yes, he’s a Dick. Everybody in town knows he’s a Dick. I’m sure he’s proud to be a Dick.

He: So, like I said, he’s a dick.

Me: Well, if you mean he’s a Dick, then yes, he’s a Dick.

He: I think I get it now.

Me: I don’t think you have a clue.

He: No really, I think I know exactly what you’re saying.

Me: Well then go ahead and tell me.

He: Okay, you’re saying this guy Bob is a dick and proud of it.

Me: As far as I know he’s proud of it. I imagine he comes from a proud Dick heritage.

He: Seriously? You really think everyone in his family is a dick?

Me: I’m not sure they’re all Dicks. I seem to recall his wife had a hyphen in there somewhere.

He: Huh?

Me: Let’s leave the family out of it, okay? Just focus on Bob. We know for sure he’s a Dick.

He: How do you know that for sure?

Me: Know what?

He: How do you know he’s a dick?

Me: Oh, he’s a Dick. He’s even got it on his business card.

He: Whoa! He puts “dick” on his business card? That takes balls.

Me: Why would you say a thing like that?

He: Just seems a little over-the-top to me.

Me: Over-the-top because he puts his name on his business card?

He: Huh?

Me: His name. He puts his name on his business card. His name is Dick.

He: His name is Dick?

Me: Yes, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! His name is Dick.

He: What about Bob?

Me: That’s his name!

He: I thought you just said his name is Dick?

Me: His name is Robert Dick, but they call him Bob, probably because it’s shorter.

He: What’s shorter?

Me: Bob is shorter.

He: Bob is shorter?

Me: Much shorter.

He: How would you know that?!? That’s a little creepy, don’t you think?

Me: What are you talking about?

He: You said he’s shorter.

Me: No! I said “Bob” is short for “Robert,” and that’s why they call him Bob Dick.

He: Ohhhhh, now I get it.

Me: You get what?

He: “Bob” and “Dick” are his first and last names, right? I thought you were saying he’s some kind of a dick, and not a very big one at that.

Me: Finally, you got it right.

He: I got what right? The first part or the second?

Me: No comment.

He: Joe . . .

Me: What?

He: You can be such a dick.

Me: Actually, I come from a very long line of dicks myself.

He: Shut-up!

In the arena,

Joe Kaiser

Here’s my latest Top 10 List (with apologies to David Letterman) . . .

In the Arena,

Joe Kaiser

Here’s a story from a few years back, just for fun (and having nothing to do with your lawsuit against me).

Some time ago, I had the pleasure of working with Shirley Rudd, an elderly gal who’d gotten mixed up with an actual scam artist, it seems.

She’d sold him a property and he’d failed to make payments to her as promised, and things were a mess.

The first mortgage was foreclosing, putting her loan at risk, and without any funds to protect her interest there was a good chance she’d lose her entire investment.

I’d stopped by her place, a modest little travel-trailer set up in a really ugly park along South Tacoma Way, with the intention of offering to buy her loan. Figuring she could use some money right now, it seemed like a good opportunity for the both of us to maybe come out ahead.

But she didn’t want to sell.

I tried to explain how she’d likely be wiped out at the auction and that my money was a sure thing, but she didn’t want any part of it. As far as she was concerned, she’d said, if she lost everything that would be just fine.

It was really sad.

And so, I left, feeling bad for her and knowing, in all likelihood, she’d end up with nothing. I was also more than a little pissed at the con artist who’d put her in this position.

On my way back home I stopped at a flower shop, having decided to try to brighten her day with a bouquet. Nothing fancy, but a little something to maybe put a smile on her face.

She probably hadn’t done much in the way of smiling of late.

The gal at the flower shop got me set up with a $25 arrangement and I gave her Shirley’s info so they’d be able to deliver the flowers right to her door.

She’s writing it all down and I’m getting out my wallet to pay, when she looks up at me and asks, “Are you Dee Dee?”

Huh? I had no idea what she was talking about.

With a puzzled look, I say, “Eh, no. I’m Joe.”

She kinda grins a little and then says, “No, no, are you Dee Dee?” Only this time she’s saying it really slowly, pausing after each word like she thinks I’m stupid or something.

Now, I am stumped and beginning to get a little exasperated, not knowing what the heck she’s getting at. Confounded, I blurt out, “Look, lady, I don’t even know a Dee Dee.”

There’s a gal in line behind me who’s witnessed our entire exchange and she’s laughing hysterically, obviously trying to contain herself and not at all succeeding.

And then the gal behind the counter starts to laugh at me as well.

What the heck?

Finally, she says, “No, sir, I’m trying to find out how you spell her name . . . is it R U D D?”

Ahhh, I get it, feeling silly and confirming that yes, she’s got it correct.

I pay and quickly get the heck out of there, having had better days.

Respectfully,

Joe Kaiser

Another look at former AAG Cheryl Kringle’s fine work on behalf of your office demonstrating her keen grasp of real estate investing, the law of the land, and your office’s role as protectors of the citizens of the State of Washington . . .

Yee-haw!

Respectfully,

Joe Kaiser

Last year a little county in eastern Washington sent me a letter advising that if I ever did anything like that again, they’d make sure I faced criminal charges.

I found that more than a little bit interesting.

So, I called up the county prosecutor to see if he’d at least enjoyed the pizza, and he admitted he had.

Of course, at the time, he didn’t realize he was talking to the mastermind behind the entire pizza scheme, me.

I kid you not.

a way of saying thanks

For years we’ve sent platters of food to county agencies, typically on tax sale day, just to say thanks for all the hard work they do.

We ask for lots of help from those offices and sending a Mexican fiesta platter or a couple pizzas has been our thing.

And we’d always get nice “thank you” notes letting us know how much the county staffers enjoyed the eats.

Until, that is, it was decided we were up to no good.

And that’s why a county deputy prosecutor in Lewis County said he’d see to it that I was charged with felony criminal bribery if I ever thought about sending another pepperoni pizza to his county.

It’s also why former AAG Cheryl Kringle grilled me about it at my deposition, as if it might lead to something.

I kid you not.

two out of three ain’t bad

For future reference, Rob, there are three reasons to send a pizza or a Mexican fiesta platter to a county agency, and they are as follows:

1. To say thank you.
2. To say you’re sorry.
3. To commit felony criminal bribery

Common sense might lead you to considering #1 and #2 as appropriate, but I’m not banking on common sense.

I gave up on that a long time ago.

So, I advised my assistant we could no longer thank county clerks for all their hard work by sending them lunch on tax sale day.

The law is the law, after all.

I kid you not.

good grief

That’s why a pepperoni pizza, in an Lewis County, Washington is seen to be cause for criminal bribery charges.

It’s insane, but it’s what happens when things get out of control, as they are in this matter. Reason exits stage left and we deal with claims that can only be described as ludicrous.

And being charged for criminal bribery for sending a pepperoni pizza?

Clearly, we should have gone with the Hula Lula.

I kid.

Respectfully,

Joe Kaiser

Some readers may wonder about Fiscal Dynamics, Inc., the investment company I founded and your office subsequently sued for Consumer Protection Act violation claims.

I’ve put a short video together to better explain who we are:

Hope it answers a few of their questions and perhaps even, a few of yours.

Respectfully,

Joe Kaiser

A recent conversation with a seller went a little something like this (with apologies to Abbot and Costello) . . .

Seller: Well, Mr. Kaiser, I’m certainly interested in selling my house to you. What do you need to know to get this started?

Joe: Look, Mr. Seller, if you’re the owner, you must know about all the loans on your home and who your lenders are.

Seller: I certainly do.

Joe: Well you know I’ve never seen title or talked to your lenders. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who to contact.

Seller: Well, let’s see, we have on the house, Who’s in first, What’s in second, I Don’t Know is in third…

Joe: That’s what I want to find out.

Seller: I say Who’s in first, What’s in second, I Don’t Know’s in third.

Joe: Are you the owner?

Seller: Yes.

Joe: And you don’t know the lenders’ names?

Seller: Well I should.

Joe: Well then who’s in first?

Seller: Yes.

Joe: I mean the lender’s name.

Seller: Who.

Joe: The guy in first.

Seller: Who.

Joe: The first mortgage holder.

Seller: Who.

Joe: The lender in…

Seller: Who is in first!

Joe: I’m asking you who’s in first.

Seller: That’s the Lender’s name.

Joe: That’s Who’s name?

Seller: Yes.

Joe: Well go ahead and tell me.

Seller: That’s it.

Joe: That’s who?

Seller: Yes. PAUSE

Joe: Look, you gotta first mortgage holder?

Seller: Certainly.

Joe: Who’s in first?

Seller: That’s right.

Joe: When you pay the first mortgage holder every month, who gets the money?

Seller: Every dollar of it.

Joe: All I’m trying to find out is the lender’s name in first position.

Seller: Who.

Joe: The lender that gets…

Seller: That’s it.

Joe: Who gets the money…

Seller: They do, every dollar of it. Sometimes their branch manager comes down and collects it.

Joe: Who’s branch manager?

Seller: Yes. PAUSE

Seller: What’s wrong with that?

Joe: All I wanna know is when you pay the first mortgage holder, how do they stamp the back of your check?

Seller: Who.

Joe: The lender in first.

Seller: Who.

Joe: How do they stamp…

Seller: That’s how they stamp it.

Joe: Who?

Seller: Yes. PAUSE

Joe: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the lender’s name in first position.

Seller: No. What is in second position.

Joe: I’m not asking you who’s in second.

Seller: Who’s in first.

Joe: One loan at a time!

Seller: Well, don’t change the loans around.

Joe: I’m not changing nothing around!

Seller: Take it easy, buddy.

Joe: I’m only asking you, who’s the lender in first position?

Seller: That’s right.

Joe: OK.

Seller: Alright. PAUSE

Joe: What’s the lender’s name in first position?

Seller: No. What is in second position.

Joe: I’m not asking you who’s in second.

Seller: Who’s in first.

Joe: I don’t know.

Seller: He’s in third, we’re not talking about him.

Joe: Now how did I get in third position?

Seller: Why you mentioned their name.

Joe: If I mentioned the third mortgage holder’s name, who did I say is in third?

Seller: No. Who’s in first.

Joe: What’s in first?

Seller: What’s in second.

Joe: I don’t know.

Seller: They’re in third.

Joe: There I go, back in third again! PAUSE

Joe: Would you just stay on the lender in third position and don’t go off it.

Seller: Alright, what do you want to know?

Joe: Now who’s in third position?

Seller: Why do you insist on putting Who in third?

Joe: What am I putting in third?

Seller: No. What is in second.

Joe: You don’t want who in second?

Seller: Who is in first.

Joe: I don’t know. Together: Third position! PAUSE

Joe: Look, you got any judgment liens?

Seller: Sure.

Joe: The judgment creditor’s name?

Seller: Why.

Joe: I just thought I’d ask you.

Seller: Well, I just thought I’d tell ya.

Joe: Then tell me who’s the judgment creditor.

Seller: Who’s in first.

Joe: I’m not…stay off of the lenders. I want to know what’s the guy’s name holding the judgment?

Seller: No, What is in second.

Joe: I’m not asking you who’s in second.

Seller: Who’s in first!

Joe: I don’t know. Together: Third position! PAUSE

Joe: The judgment creditor’s name?

Seller: Why.

Joe: Because!

Seller: Oh, the other lien holder. PAUSE

Joe: Look, You got an attorney in this deal?

Seller: Sure.

Joe: The attorney’s name?

Seller: Tomorrow.

Joe: You don’t want to tell me today?

Seller: I’m telling you now.

Joe: Then go ahead.

Seller: Tomorrow!

Joe: What time?

Seller: What time what?

Joe: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who’s your attorney?

Seller: Now listen. Who is not my attorney.

Joe: I’ll break you’re arm if you say who’s in first!!! I want to know what’s your attorney’s name?

Seller: What’s in second.

Joe: I don’t know. Together: Third position! PAUSE

Joe: Got a partner?

Seller: Certainly.

Joe: The partner’s name?

Seller: Today.

Joe: Today, and tomorrow’s your attorney.

Seller: Now you’ve got it.

Joe: All we got is a couple of days. PAUSE

Joe: You know I’m an investor, too.

Seller: So they tell me.

Joe: I get involved here to do some fancy deal making, Tomorrow’s working with me and the first mortgage holder is getting nasty. Now he hasn’t been paid and threatens to sue. When he files the complaint, me, being a good investor, I’m gonna get the money to that lender in first. So I pick up the phone, call my bank and wire the funds to who?

Seller: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.

Joe: I don’t even know what I’m talking about! PAUSE

Seller: That’s all you have to do.

Joe: Is to wire the funds to the first mortgage holder.

Seller: Yes!

Joe: Now who’s got it?

Seller: Naturally. PAUSE

Joe: Look, if I wire the funds to the lender in first, somebody’s gotta get it. Now who has it?

Seller: Naturally.

Joe: Who?

Seller: Naturally.

Joe: Naturally?

Seller: Naturally.

Joe: So I wire the funds to Naturally.

Seller: No you don’t you wire the funds to Who.

Joe: Naturally.

Seller: That’s different.

Joe: That’s what I said.

Seller: You’re not saying it…

Joe: I wire the funds to Naturally.

Seller: You wire it to Who.

Joe: Naturally.

Seller: That’s it.

Joe: That’s what I said!

Seller: You ask me.

Joe: I wire the funds to who?

Seller: Naturally.

Joe: Now you ask me.

Seller: You wire the funds to Who?

Joe: Naturally.

Seller: That’s it.

Joe: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I wire the funds to who. Whoever it is stops the foreclosure but now the second moves to foreclose. Who picks up the phone and calls What. What calls I Don’t Know. I Don’t Know gets in touch with Tomorrow, bankruptcy! Another creditor steps in and files a big lawsuit with Because. Why? I don’t know! He’s in third and I don’t give a darn!

Seller: What?

Joe: I said I don’t give a darn!

Seller: Oh, he’s our real estate agent.

Joe: (makes screaming sound)